Friday, March 19, 2021

IVF vs adoption. How do you make the right decision ?


Why don't you adopt ?

This is one of the commonest pieces of gratuitous advice given to infertile couples who have failed IVF treatment . It may be well-meaning, but causes enormous distress.

It’s not as if IVF patients don’t already know that adoption is an alternative to IVF to having babies, and the entire idea of thinking that IVF and adoption are competitive ways of completing your family makes absolutely no sense to me .

These are complementary choices , and it's up to the infertile couple to decide for themselves what works best for them.

We tell couples to keep an open mind , and explore all their options . In fact , we suggest that they explore them in parallel , and register their name for adoption while doing their IVF treatment . During this journey, you may find that it's far better adoption than doing IVF, in which case you can go down that route. On the other hand , you may find that the adoption process is not right for you , and therefore you can new invest all  your energy in doing more IVF cycles , since you have determines that this is your preferred option .

I hate other people advising infertile couples as to why they should be adopting rather than doing IVF . This is extremely judgmental , unkind and unempathetic . In one sense , these people make IVF patients feel they are being selfish, when they prefer to spend money on IVF, rather than on adopting a baby. They perceive adoption as a better choice – one which is big-hearted and generous , because it helps an unwanted child .

This makes no sense to me . You should be making your own decisions for yourselves, and you should ignore everyone who doesn’t walk in your shoes.

Couples who choose to adopt for themselves are extremely happy with their  choice, but those who are forced to adopt – either because their IVF cycles failed or because of social pressures - end up being miserable. If you are miserable yourself , you are never going to be able to keep your adopted child happy , which means you end up creating more misery , rather than increasing joy .

This is completely counterproductive .

Both IVF and adoption are long-drawn processes , for which you need the help of professionals. Each option  has pros and cons , and it's up to the couple to decide what works best for them . These aren’t mutually exclusive , and you need to look within your heart and your gut to decide what works best for you . Please don’t close your mind and refuse to look at alternatives. The more the options you have in front of you , the easier it is to remain in control of your decisions, rather than despairing just because the IVF cycle does not work


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