Thursday, March 26, 2015

My early IVF pregnancy - inner musings while waiting for the next ultrasound scan

Here's an  update from our expert patient, whose is 5 weeks pregnant, and whose ultrasound scan confirms she has an intrauterine pregnancy
There is nothing you can do now, but wait and hope.

I want to feel truly happy and dance with joy. I want to register for a prenatal yoga class. I want to share my good news with friends and family. I want to buy a crib for the nursery and paint a mural on the wall. I want to call my best friend and plan my baby shower… but I have to wait.

In a 24-hour long day for 8 long weeks- I worry that I am not thinking positive enough, that the duvet is increasing my body temp at night, that everything I consume must be organic, that I’m not drinking enough fluids, that I should refrain from intercourse till I check with my doctor, that ‘no-caffeine’ is probably best, that my breasts are not feeling as heavy as they were yesterday, that I am not feeling any nausea… the list is endless and the worry is pointless. I know this and I do it anyway.

As DrMalpani says, “At this point, there is nothing you can do to hurt or help the fetus” and I have to remind myself consistently of that. There is nothing I can do to make my baby survive…  and it makes me feel very helpless. In life, I’ve always been told that if I work hard enough, I will succeed. If I become a wonderful person, I will attract such people in my life. But rarely was I ever told that luck plays such an important part in the outcome of things. So, after a twin miscarriage of having seen then lost both heartbeats- how do I refrain from thinking that history is going to repeat itself? Does the fear actually make it happen? Or que sera sera, irrespective of my feelings?
The above verse, which is among the most famous verses in Mahabharat, is one of those explanation Lord Krishna has given when Arjun does not want to fight the war.In this case Krishna tells Arjun that no matter what is the result of the war, he should not be worried about it. His duty is to fight, then he has to fight. He wins or loses that is not important. Even if he dies during the war, he will attain heaven because he has correctly performed his duty.

I must do the deed and not worry about the outcome. I can change the deed or how I do it but I cannot control the outcome. I can’t control what will happen to me but I can control what I feel about it and who I become because of it.

And I can be kind enough to myself that I allow myself a few moments of worry and a few thoughts of when I finally hold my baby and how it will feel every day…

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