Tuesday, November 13, 2018

The heartbreak of an infertile patient

I am still not able to cope up with negative pregnancy test. I just wished that the test still comes positive. My good looking embryos do not like to settle in my good looking endometrium lining. I wish that I could know what these beautiful embryos wants more from me? Why all these medicines,efforts, patience, care, precautions and prayers for having a baby is not paying off. What else can we do to fulfill our dream to have a baby ?

Crying is also not helping. After getting result, I spent entire day in reading positive ivf stories on internet I know that in this journey nobody get success immediately, every couple have their shares of failures and sorrows before getting positive result. But when we will achieve success? This question always comes in mind.

We have stop to share about our treatment process with family members, for last one year. 
They start expecting a lot, as for them ivf means 100% success. They don't understand the statistics behind it. Some of them give advise for adoption. So we decided not to reveal about treatment process. If there is any family function in between treatment cycle we give other reasons for not attending it and seriously I don't enjoy such get togethers now a days. My mother pray for me constantly but I do not want to discuss this with her also as she gets more depressed due to my pain. I only talk about it when she ask. But sometimes we feel very alone in such situations as nobody is there to share our grief.

We want to take some time off and go somewhere for relaxation. But we can't plan vacations thinking that instead of spending on it, let's save for the treatment. Life is a struggle for everyone, it's reasons are different but struggle to have a baby is something else... I mean it's a simple, biological process but couples  like us have to go through a lot to get our dream baby. My heart cries when I read about people doing abortion for unwanted baby, people abandon newborn babies on roadside and moreover kills the girl child in desire of a son... I mean how can this be tolerated by supreme power whom we called as GOD...

And such kind of people get opportunities of bearing child again and again to repeat their mistakes... this is beyond my thinking.

I married at the age of 30, started seeking treatment at the age of 33 and now approaching my 40s. Now wonder if my age will make it difficult to achieve success?  This 7 years of journey consist of HSG, plenty of blood work, lots of pills and injections, numerous scans, laparoscopy, hysteroscopy , 8 failed iui, 6 failed embryo transfer, one missed abortion, financial loss and what not.. 

Yet we try to be happy in other things in life. We meet and greet people with smile on face. We also like to see half glass full. We shower our love on our sibling's children, we spend quality time with them. This gives us some peace of mind but desire to have our baby just keep rising n rising. Irrespective of the result, we know that whatever we are doing is our best. Things happens as per plan, it's process is in our control but outcome is not in our control. Our hope always overcome on our sorrows and we bounce back to try one more cycle. No other option but to say this, Time heals everything.

I do remember serenity prayer to keep spirits high but believe me it's not easy...

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