Monday, February 20, 2017

Straight from the heart of an infertile woman

I admire and respect my patients, because I learn so much from them

I just got this post from G.

She has a lot of courage to bare her soul like this, and discuss topics which are considered to be taboo. This is powerful stuff, because it's straight from the heart .

She writes well - it's raw and brutally honest.


Hello doctor ,

I felt better post writing down last time and speaking to K - Thanks for your advice.

Never had an ache/cloggy feeling at the back of my head / neck post that .. which I use to associate(may be wrongly ) with this specific stress...

While i have been genuinely happy and positive last 2/3 weeks ( feeling ultra light post I wrote the earlier blog )  .. Here's an another episode which psyched me this week end .

I decided to share it for 2 reasons :
1) feel good myself again ( so what if it's at the cost of making you read through a long post and may be it's utter nonsense)
2) 2 solutions which I think I can offer

Since my husband and his family is away for a wedding out of town ... I have the house to myself for few days.

I decide to not go .. feeling blessed my in laws exempted me as my Singapore business trip in round the corner and they thought it would be rather hectic for me to do both the trips back to back.

I am happy to be exempted also because the wedding is going to be at  P and if i attend it , I will be in direct scanner of prying village ladies ( who have done nothing good other wise but have birthed children at early ages in their life ). They 'obviously' mean well when they specially come across suggesting help  .. but I have a feeling they covertly settle scores against the new age women whom they obviously hate inwardly for being  independent and not as cultured as they perceive themselves to be.

 Also here's a second and bigger reason to be happy ...  there is an another person in my life who helps me be happy . It's a man in my office whom I have known for 8/10 months now but we laugh and click like anything in last few weeks only. He flirts casually and has given me enough reason to dress well and feel good about myself during an otherwise boring schedule at work.

I am not inclined towards infidelity at this stage (I think infidelity is unethical due to my upbringing in utopian values) but have had thoughts of "what if a person like him was my life partner". This change from routine is welcome as it makes me happy ... and I will do anything  these days to make myself happy!

 The man is a father of 2 .. happily married to his college love for 15 odd years and is 10 odd years older than me ... Still we click ... He flirts .. I encourage... and we famously hang out together during our office breaks .

I feel guilty but feel much better with him and I feel it's totally worth it.

I have attracted eyeballs of lot of other office guys ( for whom i never existed in their list of good looking women to be ogled at) and some how it's making me feel better( my  true self few days back would have cringed and felt sick at attracting such unwarranted attention from the opposite sex )

It's tricky to explain.. but  I think this is therapeutic. I am a lot more confident about my looks. I am eating right and thinking right as I want to look better. I come back home smiling I speak of this friend all the while to my husband and carry a smile all day long. I feel am glowing which no one  has missed at office and I receive a lot of compliments from unexpected people.

My husband is a little insecure and has bought me a valentine gift (an expensive perfume) after 6 years of never remembering it or justifying no need of buying it and finally, we had great sex multiple times last week. Timed still but GREAT after long time none the less.

So all in all, I am in happy space thanks to this new friend. So here's the first tricky solution from me:  if you think it helps other women in similar situation like mine, please ask them to bond with such someone special or find a temporary romance to rejuvenate their own marriage which may aid their process of baby making.

The episode that psyched me :
I am surprised, in spite of my conscious effort to not let anyone intrude in my attempt to be postive and happy , how my own mother could destroy it all with close to zero intention or effort.

It all started with her visiting an ayurvedic doc along with her sister for her own health issues and him asking her "are you tensed about something ?"

Now, she could be tensed about many things but her top of the mind recall is my condition.
So she doesn't mention it to the doctor (who asked for it) but has to and most definitely tell me 3 times in a day last 2 days in all earnest.

How do I deal with it? I don't react first few times with just a "hmm" as my response.

After hearing it the 6th time, when I sense my own mother is waiting for a discussion on the topic 7th time around I give her a piece of mind.

She justifies it saying "me and my sisters are concerned about you and we mean well".
I tell her in a rude tone " you showing concern and discussing endlessly hasn't helped my condition in 5 years and most definitely not help in future as well."
On these specific days I get a feeling my in laws are better than my own parents!

I also discuss it with my brother and sister in law and this ruckus disposes  me from my happy state and I am miserable for a day.

My second solution is to : conduct professional sessions for parents, in laws and immediate family members of infertile women to tell them of the women's physical and mental state during infertility and post taking hormones. Hormonal medicines  do tend to make the strongest of women weak emotionally. The anger about everything in life I believe is due to that  ( I realised this post talking to K) I hope I can write a book "Inconceivable : the Indian way" which lists  these special situations.

The immediate solution I find to feel happy again is the man from my office.
I WhatsApp him (nothing pertaining to my terrible mood) and we discuss how the weekend went. Our conversation has favourites like organic farming /romantic songs /drawings / his wife's paintings /my rangolis/ jokes on his 40 + age /our business venture (if at all ) together / basically lots of diverse things! It all lasts 1.5 hrs and peps me enough to 1) keep me going all through next week when I am going to be away from him on business trip and 2) write it all down at midnight for you.

By the way,  this friend also knows about my infertility to a little extent and shows concern/empathy.  I hope some time in future, I can tell him how beautifully he played his role in making my baby :)

Regards ,

Does this resonate with you ? Would love your comments !

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous11:22 PM

    Dear Beautifully fertile friend out there !
    While I hear you and can feel all the emotions running through you, I wanted to request you to firstly stop calling yourself "infertile". Let me tell you, each and every cell in our body hears us and responds to our words, thoughts. I am not kidding.
    When you spoke about this new friend of yours, I could feel and sense your emotional rolla-coaster ride of fertility journey taking a toll on how we present ourselves, how we treat ourselves. But I feel this will be short lived and could even land you into trouble, as you are only thinking of short lived happiness. But in reality, this is another way your emotions are playing with you and duping you into thinking you can get happiness out of such acts. It is not a solution. It is avoiding the situation is how i see it. And I am sure you won't like what you are reading. I have been on fertility journey for 10yrs before I was blessed with a baby. I can see and understand your situation and I was in the same boat and did have similar feelings, but when I look back, what I understand is that it was a way out to avoid thinking of the fertility pain that i was going through.
    Instead open up for the pain and desperation for a baby you are going through. You are already in the hands of a best doctor. If you could channel your desire, pain, desperation towards healing yourself, I am very sure it will help you a lot in your fertility treatments too.
    The way Dr. M suggested to pen down your thoughts, which in between is so damn powerful, I would encourage you to open up to write candidly about this new friend, what is causing this happiness, what is going through your mind, don't stop the flow of your thoughts, and let everything come out on a paper. I am sure you will find the results amazing. But prior to that exercise, one needs to have an open heart and mind and only then we can allow the medicinal thoughts and ideas to flow in. Let the seed of thought sit with you, sync with you. especially since you are on your business trip, I urge you to read fertile female and see if you connect with the author. If you do, it will be life saving and enhancing for sure.
    Also coming to how you felt about your mom, one thing I can say for sure is be in it India or western countries, this has been a constant problem with every single women I met. I have been part of fertileheart workshop and phone sessions and had an opportunity to know so many women who are fighting the same problem and this one is a common theme among all of us. Not an easy one to deal with.
    Once again good luck to you.

    Sir - Even I urge you not to use the term infertile. You are such a great doctor and have so much positive influence on so many lives. Please do rethink on using the term "infertile".


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