At different stages of my journey I’ve wanted to get up and shout out loud, with sorrow, frustration, dread - and occasionally joy. It took a while for me to move from my default “drama queen” status to my new mantra- “cautiously optimistic”. I continue to feel all the same emotions , but these are now more graduated and tempered, so that the roller coaster I go through is a little more linear and easier to ride. Where each dip and rise is controlled and steered.
The Gita states “समःशत्रोचमिदोचतथामानअपमानयो,शीतोक्षनसु:खदुखाय्षुसमःसंगविवजिर्त”
This entire chapter 12 deals with moderation- in all your habits, consumptions, even state of being- happiness and sorrow- everything in balance- and this they say is the path to sainthood.
It’s tough for me to reign in my emotions, especially when I’m pummeled with hormones that supposedly heighten my sensitivity. But I do notice ‘detached practicality’ has its advantages. It is an emotion that is ridiculously difficult to master and even more so for women.
For this, I have several tricks that I have tried to use.
I sometimes pretend like my life is a story and view it from an outsider’s perspective… like a movie. Is it really that dramatic? Or is it just my emotions that create the drama?
Another is to function normally- not put any aspect of my life ‘on hold’ or make major changes in anticipation of a success. Just keep the routine normal and consistent and have my fertility journey incorporated into my daily life. This makes each cycle more bearable and the result more palatable.
I evaluate the next few steps. My doctor mentioned I can change only 4 things- I can change my doctor, the uterus, the egg or the sperm… So I evaluate the practicality of these options, also those of adoption and I realize that all these options sound doable. This makes me realize that I am in the driver’s seat- and I feel more optimistic and in control.
After my first pregnancy, I remember being (naively) ecstatic that this was the end of the road. I am now aware that it is the start of a more difficult journey… carrying to term and delivery being the next destination with lots of possible pitfalls… This also makes me realize that parenthood too will be another new journey but I am ready for this road now, one difficult joyous step at a time. In the end I realize I will have a baby someday, somehow- and this gives me peace and hope and the ability to deal with the next step.
Now, with a 115 result on my beta HCG on week 4, I’m happy but cautiously optimistic- I know what the future might look like if things go right and how frightening an ultrasound can possibly be… So I am trying to keep my emotions as steady as I possibly can and live each day one at a time.