Tuesday, May 11, 2010
How infertility can drive you crazy !
This is a guest post from a patient who is worried that infertility is driving her around the bend.
" I failed my second ICSI. Both times I had 2 excellent embryos put in and I am 33, makes my chances of success high but I failed. I have dealt with failures before but always believed that if you work hard enough, you get what you want. I am not sure of that anymore and that bothers me. It’s unfair, it’s tough. This process can put your life on hold and consume you, you feel empty and in pain all the time and its terrible because in theory you know that you have so much to be grateful for, so many blessings but it gets harder to live in the moment and enjoy what you have. That’s the problem with being driven, you can’t help but live in the future, keep stressing, analyzing and planning what you can do better next time. It’s tough to accept that there isn’t much you can do differently. This process can make you so irrational. I am a highly educated, rational person but I am seriously considering crazy thoughts like going to an astrologer to pick the next ICSI month, give up sweets and other things I like so God feels sorry for me and gives me what I want, these are just 2 thoughts, I go through a 100 such irrational thoughts every day. It has impacted my self esteem. I have read so much about meditation, spiritualism but at times like these, it’s all out the window, know it all in my head but so difficult to implement. I can’t deal with free time, too many thoughts I hate thinking so whenever I am free, I watch tons of TV and movies just to numb my brain ! Gone are the days I would love sitting around staring at the ceiling, doing nothing. They say time is the best healer. At some point, I hope one of 2 things happens to me. Either I will succeed and experience true happiness after a long time or I will stop trying and learn to accept and live with the pain, maybe with time the pain won’t consume me as much and I will be able to focus on the blessings I have. Will have to wait and watch till my next and last ICSI and trust me I hate waiting…it seems never ending."
I always remind my patients not to beat up on themselves ! It's not the stress which causes the infertility - it's the infertility which causes the stress ! Normal woman find themselves behaving completely irrationally when they are taking IVF treatment - but I feel this is a normal response of a normal woman trapped in an abnormal situation.
I tell my patients to remember the Serenity Prayer -
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
The four wisest words are - " This too will pass !"